The heart of a woman is beautiful. It’s complex. It’s vast. And it’s certainly intimidating.
Our hearts fill to the brim and spill over time and time again. They ache in broken times. They give over and over and over because they desire to safe.
As women, we want to give.
Something about our DNA combined with our spirits have molded us into creatures that have the ability to not only carry and bring life into the world, but to care for that life and the lives of others in our inner circle – we still probably will also care for the strangers we interact with when we see need. We do all this automatically, often forgetting our own needs because we put others before us.
As women, we also want to receive.
We want this as much as we want to give, and it is expressed from our very first weeks of life. We make eye contact with those around us, long before our male counterparts. We want to receive, to connect, to feel loved. This is the essence of the women’s heart and soul. We have endless energy and love to give those around us, but we are only filled when we are receiving love from those we hold dear and trust.
What happens to our hearts when we don’t receive love from those we give the most to is often devastating.
As I’ve struggled through life, fighting to feel worthy of receiving love, I’ve met two types of women.
The Woman Who Had a Strong Father. You were shown your worth from the beginning of your life. You were loved, you were treasured, and your heart was guarded. You were taught your value and you had open communication with your father. You knew you were safe. You were taught by example. You were taught to seek the same treatment from future partners. Any man that did not treat you as good or better than your father was not even an option. You are confident in yourself and in your worth.
The Woman Who Had an Absent Father. Your father may have been in the picture but not emotionally present, he may have given you attention and love but not taught you your worth. Maybe he wasn’t even around to tell you how much you mean to him and proud you make him. He even could have been abusive or instead of lifting you up, he put you down. When you sought love from a partner, you did not turn away when you were ignored. You stayed when you were disrespected and you may have even tolerated abuse. You feel your worth is based on how satisfied your partner is with you and you do everything you can to make him happy. You often lose yourself trying to gain the love of a man who doesn’t respect you.
I’ve also met a few combinations of the two. There are women who had strong fathers, but rebelled and sought after men who did not respect them. These women had to find their worth again and remember how they should be treated. There are also women who had absent fathers but very strong mothers, inner circles, or belief systems that taught them their value despite their lack of tangible teaching from their fathers. I’m sure you could tell me your story and it would be somewhere in between.
When you don’t know your worth, you don’t ask for the treatment you deserve. When you don’t think you are worthy of being respected, honored, committed to, and valued, you allow others into your life that treat you exactly as you present yourself.
I’ve made a list of 5 things to remember when you don’t feel worthy of the love or life you want to have.
#1. You ARE worthy. I’m starting over with oversimplifying this because you NEED to hear this. You ARE. YOU are. YOU ARE. If your father didn’t teach you, you are still worthy. If you gave your heart away to men who wronged you, you are still worthy. If you have lived an angry and blaming-others life, you are still worthy. If you were unfaithful to your partner, you are still worthy. Why? Because your upbringing, your choices, and your behavior, does not ever and will not ever change the fact that YOU are worthy of being loved, respected and honored. (This doesn’t mean you get a free pass to behave however you want and expect people to treat you well, but it does mean that you are worthy of being respected and you should act in accordance.)
#2. Treat yourself with the respect you want to be given. Like attracts like. This is an age old saying but I can’t believe how long it’s taken me to understand this. Please learn this now and don’t forget it. If you are walking around hating yourself, if you are scared to live the life you want to live, if you aren’t confident in your value, you will ONLY attract others into your life that will step on you, not build you up, and who will treat you exactly as you treat yourself. With the exception of close friends and family, it is rare you will attract a partner who values you more than you value yourself. He may in the beginning, but as he watches you beat yourself up or not pursue your dreams, he WILL lose respect and either walk away for someone who does know their worth, or he will start treating you how you treat yourself.
#3. Surround yourself with those who build you up. Listen, single momma, if you want to be a happy single momma and if you want to eventually trade in your title of “single” for “taken” you must surround yourself with people who love you. Don’t isolate yourself. Please, don’t isolate yourself. You will learn your value and your worth by being around those who respect you. None of this will help if you don’t first believe #1 and do #2. Looking back on my life, I have always had family and friends standing right there telling me how much they love me, how strong I am, and how much they believe in me. However, because I didn’t respect myself, I couldn’t hear them. If I did hear them, I for sure didn’t believe them.
#4. Just because he says “I love you” doesn’t mean he values you. Loving him and pouring all your time and energy into the man who says he loves you and doesn’t treat you well will only continue to hurt you and destroy whatever sense of worth you had before him. Saying “I love you” is not enough. I’ve learned this hard way over and over. You must trust your gut and if you are not being treated with honor, love, and respect, then you must walk away.
#5. You aren’t the only one who struggles with this. Just because you don’t see your friends struggling with their own worthiness, doesn’t mean that you’re the only one. Even those women who you know had strong fathers, will still question their value throughout their lives. You will find, time and time again, that every woman questions her worthiness if she does not have a clear picture of who she is and how she wants to be treated. Talk to other women in your life. Ask older women how they dealt with self-doubt and restored their confidence.
Alright happy single mommas, thanks for reading! I want you to pick at least ONE of the previous 5 things above to think about, digest, and apply in your life today.
You ARE worthy and there is a partner out there that will love, cherish, respect and honor you for who you are when you are walking with your head up and confidence high.