Choosing To Continue Is Hard.

I fell off the edge of the earth on Saturday and Sunday, but I’m back.

I want to share my journey of pregnancy (22 weeks today!) and what I learn during this time. The thing with this season of my life is that it is very deep. It’s raw. It’s full of what I often refer to as “feels”. Good feels, sad feels, angry feels, happy feels, nervous feels.

I cry often. The horrible little voices in my head start screaming when I feel I’m out of good options, telling me giving up is easier.

Is it? Maybe.

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I’ve spoken with friends over the years about depression and anxiety and suicidal thought patterns. I’ve shared, with limited audiences, my experience of the roller coaster that is self-hatred, depression, and anxiety. I’ve shared my dreams, my hopes, and my passions. The two really contradict each other.

When in one mindset, I don’t recognize the “other me”. I stare at her as if she is an illusion. I wanted to kill myself yesterday? What? What was I thinking? I can SO get through this!! Or..  I actually thought I could get through this? Who was I kidding? Since when do I do things right?

My goal for the next few months is to focus, and focus as hard as I possibly can, on grounding myself in the positive, passionate, dream-driven mindset me and squishing, stomping, and kicking out the dark, gross, horrible me that wants to give up.

One thing I want to note is that I struggled with depression and anxiety long, long before becoming pregnant. If anything, I actually feel MORE balanced and less emotionally imbalanced than before my pregnancy. Something about knowing there is a precious human growing inside me has allowed me to push through some situations that normally would’ve sent me to bed for a week. But I’m not over the hump yet. There is still a lot more growing to do.

—- Enough about the feels —-

Pregnancy update

Today I am 22 weeks pregnant and the baby threw a dance party this morning. I actually filmed my tummy because of all the movement, it was crazy!

I’ve gained about 12-15 pounds total now. I may post pictures on this blog, but I haven’t decided. I live a fit lifestyle and am naturally thin, I’ve only gained weight in my stomach area and have been doing my best to stay as active as I can.

I am focused on eating enough during the day and staying away from all the sweets that I crave. I’ve felt like a WATERMELON after eating since week 20 and have to eat small meals or snacks about every hour.

A few staples of my second trimester diet (and this was pretty normal for my pre-pregnancy routine as well) are:

  • 2% Greek Yogurt either plain or mixed with fruit ( I love Fage). This is what I have when I wake up, after a full glass of water (this is a must!).
  • Oatmeal or steel cut oats with fresh berries or a banana. I often add chia or nuts
  • Fruit, so much fruit. I’ve been eating every kind of fruit there is for the past few weeks and I love it. All I’ve been wanting is light, juicy bites to chew on and fruit is the best.
  • Scrambled or over-medium eggs. I’ll probably eat 3-4 eggs/day for 5 or 6 days a week with whole grain toast.
  • Tuna with relish and the tiniest drop of mayo. Good source of protein and in small quantities, doesn’t make my stomach turn.
  • Chocolate milk. All the chocolate milk. I drink either 2% or whole organic milk and mix in chocolate powder, usually Nestle.
  • Pretzels or crackers with peanut butter. All day long.

Everything else I eat is pretty up in the air. I haven’t been eating much meat and really only wanting red meat, like a steak with salad. I’ve been eating veggies with different grains. I think about ice cream, donuts, and cheeseburgers constantly but have been doing pretty good on passing these up.

And my admission of one thing I’d prefer that I didn’t eat but is so easy on my taste buds and fills me up is ramen. Yep. I am a sucker for noodles after living in China. I use the noodles out of the package and buy sodium-free chicken bouillon. I don’t use the seasoning packets that come with the noodles because they aren’t good at all. (Not that the noodles are!!) I cook the noodles with Sriracha and my seasoning and crack an egg on top as it finishes.

————–

So here we go, each day is flying by and each moment seems more important than the last. I stare out my window at the mountains in the distance (thankful for a lovely view!) and wonder why I spend so much time worrying and lost in my head.

My posts will regain some structure soon and hopefully will reflect an improved state of mind for me.

I’d love to know your experience with depression/anxiety, second trimester feels, and just general thoughts!

Thanks for journeying along with me — have a lovely day.

Remember, as I have had to tell myself daily, that your life is unique, you have gifts only you can offer, and that choosing to continue is hard, but you are so worth it!

 

 

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “Choosing To Continue Is Hard.

  1. WhoIAmToday says:

    Lovely post. You will get through this and it will be your greatest joy and accomplishment! Plus, that baby needs you momma! Hang in there! I’ve been there too, it’s all FAIRLY normal… They say!

    Like

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