How is it already May 11? — and now May 13?
(Apparently I’m on a write, and then throw to drafts spree)
This month is flying by, I finally decided in April to drop the pursuit of a full time position and instead settle for 2 part time flexible jobs that I can get by with while I build my at home business and prepare my mind and body for the birth of baby girl.
The busy-ness has been refreshing and exhausting as I’ve officially moved into the third trimester this week. A few pregnancy updates:
- weight gain is at 27 lbs
- feeling strong, enjoying doing my leg and back exercises at the gym
- feeling more sleepy, similar to first trimester
- belly & baby rapidly growing these days, no visible marks on my skin yet
- have officially hired a doula
- have my paperwork from the midwife hospital transferring me to the birthing center, if i qualify. my follow up on my heart tests that I did last month is next Tuesday, if everything is ok, then I should have the green light to deliver at the birthing center – which, by the way, is absolutely beautiful and everything I picture my birth being
- kegels are more difficult to do these days, and bladder control is quickly diminishing (read, don’t make me laugh to hard or sneeze unexpectedly..or else :P)
- i can’t really remember my body before pregnancy but at the same time the process and transition has been beautiful and empowering
- part of me is terrified to have her, and the other part can’t wait
- this morning (Friday) I drank the sugar drink to have my glucose tested as well as gave the last bit of blood i’ll need to give for the rest of my lab work
- baby’s heart rate this morning was 147, which is the lowest it’s been but still in a normal range, and she measured right on track for 28.5 weeks
- i’m sleeping well, but usually on my right side instead of left, which i read somewhere to sleep on your left side, but my right side is more comfy – with 2 pillows between my legs
Hearing her heart beat is such a wonderful experience. It terrifies me, it excites me, it makes me emotional…ALL the feels.
So far in May I’ve been really focusing on my attitude and perspective in this season of my life, and still feeling a lot of anger. I want the anger gone so I can just celebrate my baby and this new journey I’ll be embarking on soon. Yet, I’m still really upset.
My ex and I are on “friend” terms now, trying to figure out logistics of our situation, but there is still so much open-ended, so many questions left unanswered, and a lot of pain and loss for me, and I’m sure for him. He wants to disengage totally, and he does randomly for days without warning, but then changes his mind. The whole back and forth has caused me to feel like I can’t handle any of this anymore. Then I feel guilty for feeling that. Then confused. Then like I need to be a better mother or woman. Then that I made the wrong decision.
MAN_ just stop me right THERE.
That’s why I’m so exhausted. There are so many questions and worries and fears. I’m sure even women in committed relationships feel these emotions to some extent, it’s just more lonely and empty I guess when you don’t have partnership.
I can’t tell you just how MUCH I miss just being lovingly embraced. That lack of touch I’ve had during this pregnancy has probably been one of the most psychologically difficult parts of this whole process. Especially when I’m around him and he doesn’t want to embrace me anymore, that my touch doesn’t make him feel better, and he has no desire for me…it’s almost too much for my heart/brain. It especially makes me realize how important companionship, partnership, and intimacy is for me. On that list of mantras I found a month or so ago, this is the one I picked for today:
I thrive on a love.
Well, there you go. These are the feels of this week. There are more, but I feel like I’m complaining right now, and I’m going to do some soul searching and find some encouragement and inspiration to talk about next, so we can both be lifted up and not sad.
If you are reading this and you are pregnant, how far along are you? What are you FEELING this week?