Fear & Pregnancy

I’m 38 weeks and 5 days today, and this little girl is getting ready to make her entrance into life outside of the womb. I truly can’t wait.

While I haven’t posted online much this month, I have journaled during these last few weeks more than I have throughout the pregnancy, which is better than not writing anything.

I have a confession to make…I’ve been a horrible “single mother”, in my opinion. I’ve spent the last few months that I’ve been separated from my partner, focused solely on working through our relationship issues. I haven’t put much mental energy into processing that I’m going to be doing the majority of this alone. Yes, he is now back in the picture and will be a financial support and will parent along with me..but there is something missing in that dynamic. Partnership. He isn’t my partner, and I keep wanting him to be. He isn’t in love with me anymore, he is tied to me out of a sense of duty. Sure, there are fun, enjoyable nights spent and laughs had. He knows me better than anyone. But I can see in his eyes, the love is gone. Even telling myself “it’s just gone for now” is becoming really destructive I think.

It all just comes down to fear. I’m afraid to be alone, and I always have been. I’ve always pursued companionship before pursuing bettering myself. This way of life got me in many places I should have never been in. Including a pregnancy outside of marriage. (I am abundantly in love with my daughter and can’t wait to see her face — this pregnancy has truly changed my life, for the better.) In order to move forward with my life, I MUST be ok with being alone, in whatever capacity that means. I don’t want to be just a financial obligation to my daughter’s father. In fact, I can’t wait to achieve my own financial independence so that money never has to be brought up again. It’s been my goal anyway, but now that I know it is what is tying him to me, the sooner I am independent, the better. For me, for him, for our daughter. If he interacts with me it will be because he wants to, not because he feels he has to provide for me.

Have you ever stayed in a situation because it felt safer than venturing out on your own, even though you knew the situation was crushing your soul? That’s pretty much what I’ve convinced myself of for a long time… take the crap because you might fail if you walk away. SUCH A STUPID ARGUMENT. Sometimes I wonder how we operate machinery with brains that can think such ridiculous thoughts….

Keep moving forward. That’s what I’ve been doing, and overall, it IS an upward trend.

—- Enough about that—-

Baby was estimated to be 6lb 1 oz via ultrasound last Wednesday. These estimates can be wildly inaccurate, so I’m not putting too much stock in that number. The thing that matters is that she is growing, consistently, and is healthy. 🙂

I’ve continued to gain weight but it has slowed down. My total weight gain since the start of the pregnancy is around 40 pounds! This seems like SO much, but it really has balanced out my body and 20-25 of it will go away after I deliver, leaving breastfeeding and exercise to take care of the rest.

I’m really looking forward to starting my exercise program back up as soon as I’m able to. It’s a 60 day pilates + yoga + cardio program I do with dvds…When I did it last year, I loved my results, but I’m even more excited to see what it does for my post-baby body!

My last shift at work was this past Monday, and now my time is all resting and nesting – a REALLY nice phase. However, this is the hottest summer on record, and dealing with the 95 + degree heat has been difficult, but manageable. I just pretty much know I’ll be soaked in sweat wherever I go.

The nursery is pretty much done minus a few organizational things that need to be put up and decor. I love it and can sit in my glider staring at the crib all day visualizing my sweet baby sleeping there!

 

This is totally more like a journal entry than a blog post. My thoughts are a bit scattered as I’m just so focused on delivering in a calm way and also sorting through these issues with my ex, getting my house ready, and dealing with the heat wave & sinus infection. I feel happy, excited, nervous, and a little overwhelmed, if I’m honest.

How are you feeling in your pregnancy? Is it hot where you are?

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